April 06, 2003 - 12:01 a.m.
Reality Check
It's really odd how I find myself updating here less and less. I feel like I no longer have anything important to say anymore. The thought of just stopping altogether occurred to me, but I totally don't want to do that. I love this place. I just feel incredibly uninspired. I've hit another brick wall, as far as motivation goes. As is usually the case, school is the source. I'm seriously considering not going back in the fall. The thought of getting a full-time day job, and taking dance classes at night at real studios is sounding more and more appealing. For one thing, I know that if I work part-time, I can make enough money to pay my rent and my bills and crap, but there's no way in hell that I would be able to save enough money to go out and buy a car. And I think we've established that I need a new car. Not a used car that's new to me. A brand spankin' new car.
The other reason this plan sounds so tempting is that I simply don't feel like I'm getting a damn thing out of school. As a serious, professional level dancer, I should be taking technique classes everyday, including ballet. Instead, I take a so-called jazz class twice a week, that offers no challenge or benefit. I spend most of my time observing others in shows that I don't really want to see, and then writing about them. Or, I learn stuff that I could easily find in books. Let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. By the time I finish school, I'll be old. And if I'm old, and have crappy technique that has not been worked on or improved in two years, there's no way in hell that I'll be able to find any dance positions. I could teach, sure. And don't get me wrong, I love teaching. But I love performing more, and I don't want to miss out on it.
Then again, I have this other little voice in my head, telling me to get my damn degree. While I'm perfectly aware that a degree in my field of work means nothing, I also know that when I'm stuck applying for "normal" jobs, a degree (no matter what it's in) looks a hell of a lot better than "I attended college for six years, but never got so much as an A.A."
I've found myself caring less and less about my school work, putting in the absolute minimum effort that I can. I feel like I'm being robbed of my love for dance when I'm there. But I know that it's not within me. I love it as much as I ever did. When I go to rehearsals with Kimberly, I feel like I always did when I took three classes a day. I ache for classes that make me work, and appreciate technique.
I've hinted to my parents, in very vague terms, that I'm unhappy in my current state. I don't think they understand the extent. And I think they might kill me if I do drop out. But I don't really care. This is a decision that has to come from me, because I've spent entirely too much of my life trying to make other people happy, and it hasn't exactly worked in my favor.
So now that I've totally gone into something that I didn't plan on discussing tonight, I'm gonna go change my clock, and maybe read a bit before hitting the hay. Speaking of reading, I would like to take this opportunity to curse Melissa, as she is the one who really introduced me to romance novels, which I now devour. By the by, one that I just finished and found rather enjoyable was Reality Check by Leslie Carroll. Go forth and be entertained.